Selfish thoughts

Normally at times like these, long quiet nights.
I think a lot, reflect a lot, and you can say, hate myself.. A LOT.
I really actually never really liked myself.
Like you can say I'm weird and all and its pretty true.
Its so tiring putting up a strong and false front. I just cant do it.
As much as I want to show my true self I can't.
I thought I've stop self mutilating, I thought. Its all I've thought.
I'm really so much of a weird person and I cant understand why.
I can never succeed in dance. I'm such a burden.
I suck at studying.
I have no creativity
I'm selfish.
I suck at making friends
I'm not well liked.
I'm fucking annoying
I'm so needy.
Just why?
I can't stand this anymore.
Can I just end life?
Seriously?
As true as it may be, posting happy pictures on instagram, nice food and all.
Actually it doesn;t make me happy.
At all.
Its just a way to show people I'm happy.
Basically instagram is just a platform to show off. dont you think so?
Pretty people just show off their pretty face.
Rich people flaunt their wealth
Popular people just show how much fun they have with their friends.
Weird people like me just post pictures of food and wallow in self pity and cry in silence.
Its so tiring.
Can some one just enlighten me.
Forget it.
just.. screw it.

Why do I torture myself when I can be free.

Why do I torture myself when I can be free?

Why am I still chained down by my past?

I really really want to be free. 

But I'm always giving myself hopes. False hopes?

Can't be too sure. 

Why don't I want to let go? 

I swear it's been ages, but it still lingers. 

When will the day come when I'll open up my eyes, to see the gracious world.

To really open my heart to make new friends. 

Can I just bring myself to do it? 

I feel like a burden to all, I bet everyone's sick and tired of my bullshit.

Tired of waiting.

But will I do anything? Nothing. 

I'm still waiting silently, stabbing myself a million times.

Never seem to learn my lesson.

Stabbed once, twice and many other times.

I can never learn. 

Should I still wait for a response? 

Will anything happen to cheer me up?

Will you do anything to salvage our dead relationship?

Will you rekindle the candle?

Hopeful thoughts just ran through my mind.

I know its impossible.

Then again, why am I giving myself hope, getting myself so affected.

Again and then again.

Why complicate life when you can just do it?

My answer to that is, others are complicating it as well. 

Adds on to the load, hence things will never be simple.

Why hold yourself back when you have no reason to?

Why not just take the risk and at least know you've tried.

Yes. Characteristics of a manager. 

-

Dream.

Impossible

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did

And you were strong and I was not

My illusion, my mistake

I was careless, I forgot

I did

And now when all is done

There is nothing to say

You have gone and so effortlessly

You have won

You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard

Falling for betrayal is worse

Broken trust and broken hearts

I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there

Building faith on love and words

Empty promises will wear

I know, I know

And now when all is gone

There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me

On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did

Tell them all I know now

Shout it from the roof tops

Write it on the sky line

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

Aw what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Impossible, impossible

Just what I'm feeling. Just.. Why.. SIGHPIE..

I just wish, pray, and hope that it will all be well although I know it's the end..

Well.. Despite understanding this song I still can't dance with emotionsz

Ill just try.. This is it. The only time I can show it without lying. Without being so selfish as though the world revolves around my.

My only chance. Make use of it. Sigh.. Can you just..

Sigh pie.. Impossible. Says it all.. It would have been possible if you made it so. 

But oh well. I've annoyed you. Too much. I'm sorry. I hope you're doing fine now alright. 

I know you'd be fine.  You have good support.  :') take care.. 

Dream vs reality.

Is this my own perspective of life? Or is this me probably just trying to make life look positive?
Should I just be "overexcited" about every single shit?
Well.. That will prolly make me fake. /:
Is this the truth?
Why am I even trying so hard. I really question myself.
I know its impossible.
Why do I even try..
Why do I bother so much?
Why do I show so much concern?
I'll never get it in return. So why?

But wait.. I'm supposed to be a selfless girl. Generous. Yes. That's it.

It's all too late. Its all the past now.
What am I supposed to do? I don't see a future.
Lets just see how it goes.
I'm pretty much excited. Just another 5 more days to my getaway.
From the cold harsh truth.. Can someone just save me.
Sighpie.

So insecure.
I feel so.. Sighpie. I need to work harder.
Its like.. Forget it.. gotta save time complaining and start working my ass off.
Push ups, sit ups, and hell loads of cardio. Ooooh yea leg lifts too.
Minus all those fats yeas. I gotta get abs.
I have to study too. Mug like a mugger. I ain't have any time to slack.
Even though i dont have a study mate.
Hahaha. Shall plan on going to the national library the next few days and weeks i guess.
Hmm.. Prolly Ang Mo Kio Library for next monday yes?
good idea. 9AM. I must.
conquer BMGT.
Gonna skip lunch and gonna skip dinner maybe? Depends if I have money.
Then oooooh yea. Dance lessons on monday.
BRING IT ON BABAYE.

Well.. I don't really know if its a good day though. But definitely, its a fucking fat day.
SIGH PIE.

Just when I was so determined.

I can't help it but to feel so negative now. Why so? I question myself.
Friends, and family. Always there for me? No?
Keeping everything inside, feelings, rants, sadness, negligence.
No one will understand, no one will feel it as much as I do.
Should I go back to my own ways? No, I know it's not good for me.
But how? There's so so much to I can take.
I really need a getaway. Just to avoid all these shit.
SIGHPIE.
Just wish I wasn't so loyal. I know I'm selfish. Yes and I hate that too.
Me me and only me. What am I thinking?
I have to learn to give generously. What am I doing?
Damn this is torturous. Taste of the real world.
Where looks plays a huge role.
Makes my mood plunge to the rock bottom.
Well it's a new month. I told myself. I have to start a new.
Inculcate good habits and forget the past.
Once again I struggle, but will I succeed? I really ponder and hope so.
It's like even doing something you like to so is also so stressful, with all the talented people..
How do I stay afloat. Is this too much? Or am I doing too little?
Do I need to put in more effort? Do I need to be more generous?
Just give me a reason.
With songs playing through in my mind.
Damn... Wanna go to the beach so badly. And have some alone time. Just have a nice walk?
Away from the bustling cities.

Put my concerns for myself  down.
How I look, how much I eat, how much I weight, how I dress.
Just give me a happy day. Please.

Pretty much drowning in my own tears. Keep it in this blog for now.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Study hard. Work hard. Yay.

Why do I suck so much and ruin my friendships. I'm not a good girlfriend, in not a good friend. Neither am I a good daughter?
What the fuck am I? Non-existant bitch.

In the state of dilemma

I know it's late and I'm supposed to be up early tomorrow.
But I think I have to let out a little.
Like yea, everything that happened for my birthday was beautiful.
Especially the first few hours, I would say.
But was it good or bad I wouldn't know. But I loved it, so much.
It somehow brightened up my day, or days to be exact.
To at least know, I wasn't alone.
Well, it left me in the state of dilemma.
Like I didn't know what was I supposed to do.
Well. I thought things will get better from that point of time.
Until I realized I was left neither here not there.

Frankly speaking, maybe I've yet to let go. Maybe.
Your words still affect me much. It hurts like so.
I'm lost. Again. Where should I go? What should I do? When will the indecisive me learn to decide?
Damn. Kill me now.

Weak.

 "Why are you walking away? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake? Cause I'm trying to deal with the pain." -Aidan(twitter)

I saw this quote from my friends twitter.
And it dawned on me, how true is that.
Reminds me of what happened which was very much similar at that point of time.
Well I can say, I wasn't really happy and proud of what I did because it made me very much like a douchebag. And a loser, not to forget.
I mean yes it was hurting and I had no rights to do that, but I did that on impulse.
Well yes, I have no rights to do that. So yea I'm pretty apologetic.
But still, I have my reasons!
Like anyway, what's with all the past, let bygones be bygones.
I'm leading a pretty good life now, after I picked myself back up. 😊
Like I finally found good friends, I'm trying to open up more and bond with them, hoping that it all goes well!
Well trying to look at the bright side of life! It's our own perception of life that makes it positive or negative. Well thought and well said by my ex supervisor JayR! Very much like a daddy! 😊
How much I miss working, I was so pampered like a little kid.

Now I'm determined, to really manage my time, study, do what I love to do and friends.
I must even them out 😊

Have I ever said, I really love dancing? Like because it makes me so carefree and happy?
Even though I can't! But yes! I'm gonna learn and try my best, even when I'm lagging behind, I have to.
I gotta spend a fair bit of time building some stamina and muscles which I realised I greatly lack of.
Like when I was doing the correct way of push ups, I can't even do one perfect one..
Or leg lifts. Well that made me very disappointed with myself. And I realised I was so unfit!
Well it's time to work out definitely! Well! Here goes nothing! I better be determined and persevere!

And also with my performances for band, I gotta buck up and practice too!
I ain't no pro anymore so it's all about hard work!

Studies? Damn! No more lagging behind, I'm so gonna be that closet mugger.
That nerd. I hope I won't give up on anything!

Setting goals for myself now. 😊

Cheerios to the world. I love what happened these two days. I love you guys. 😘