Blessed..

Its a humid Monday today..
Was obliged to study. But I can't, drifting away every single moment.
Once again down grading myself, as my own self-esteem plunged.
Why did it affect me so much again. Where was that out going and more confident me.
Where was that bubbly, sociable and crazy girl I used to be?
It drives me crazy, to hide that side of me, I feel so.. tight, and breathless.

With everything changing, well I would say it was a good choice of me to let go, and I would proudly say that at least I'm not sad every single day now, neither am I frustrated. But now, I'm not happy, just neutral.
And I dont want it to be that way /: I just have to step out of my comfort zone now, to make friends. To find that old me. Despite me still containing my own problems and emotions, prolly that's why I've yet to open up, I believe I can find such great friends like the ones I found in secondary school.

They're like gems to me. I've opened my eyes to the harsh reality, the harsh world, the harsh truth. Looks are every thing. Well so much for trying to make myself look better. So much for keeping fit and slimming down and all. And I thought looking OKAY is good enough. But no, I'm wrong. In this world, only the pretty ones and handsome ones exists. Along with those talented ones. What about those people like me. Look below average, think average and creativity just average. Well, they all just get dumped aside like trash , not given a second chance. Well this is reality. This is what it is. Accept the fact and suck it up. Like you're so easily replaced. Just like any other people. Well it sucks to be when you treat some one as your priority when you know that you'l never be the top of their list. Its like that hurting.

I can't help reminiscing about my horrible past. Very much, I would want to forget it. But I can't. It became scars that are etched deep in my memory, deep in my heart. Although you're all forgiven but there's still that memory, that horror. This is reality and I have to learn to accept it. I must.

Anyway, I feel so blessed when I realised that there's still that someone there for me. People like Wendy and Jess, Andrea and Estelle, Ken, Andrew, Bamazing groupies, and Prolly my group mates? yea... They were all there for me. Despite neglecting them time and time and again. They never left me alone. Thanks guys.. I know I'll never be replaced. I love you guys. I was so touched and seriously I can cry like now. (:

Well.. Now I just have to learn to open up, to care for others and not be so selfish anymore. Learn to socialize, open up. Be that fun and out going one. Although I get neglected alot in my own group like, yea pretty demoralising and lonely... But at least I'm trying. I'm so not going to give up. But it really sucks. Like yea.. But I must not be selfish. She is worse than me, she needs the attention more. Yes June, dont be selfish.  Just hope you find a new and better circle of friends already. Just soon.. Hang on, 3 more months and there you go.

Now off to study for MAEC damn it girl, aim for an AD!